Ace
I chose Ace to be a part of my tumblr name because I believe I am asexual. I have never been interested in participating in sex nor watching (porn?…lame). Seriously though, I always thought I was just very picky and I had not seen or met the guy who would whisk me off my feet and straight to the bedroom. Now I am 21, a college senior, and nothing has tickled my fancy. I even tried, as a freshmen, to do the stereotypical thing and get sloshed in order to release inhibitions and jump someone’s bones. The night usually ended with sore thighs from dancing, a positive attitude, and me walking back to my room alone, jamming to the last song to which I danced. I wasn’t bothered by not “hooking up” with anyone on the weekends until I started to notice that I was the only virgin in the room. “What? How did this happen?” I would think to myself when sneaking to get another drink while the rest played Never Have I Ever. (Hate that game since it always turns sessual)
I started to wonder where I went wrong. I knew it was not my body because, not to brag or anything, I am actually kind of pretty, at least that’s what my mom tells me. (Lol) I thought may be I was too intimidating, but what does that have to do with me not having at least a one night stand? What really scared me was why I was so nonchalant about the whole issue. How could I let this happen?!
My cousin, who is a few years older than me, asked if I thought anyone was cute at my school. Since we basically grew up together I did not lie to her. (I tend to be a pathological liar, don’t judge. I don’t notice most of the time that I am telling a lie) I told her no, and she asked me if I was asexual. I thought she was joking but she said it seriously. Asexual? I have never heard of people being asexual.
Looking up the various blogs that spoke to an asexual audience and even posts of personal stories of their asexuality to the internet I began to get insight into what being asexual really meant. I began (and still am) reflecting on my sexual interest. Do I find men attractive? women? Hmm, this person is attractive, do you want to have sex with him/her? I usually think about the latter question for a minute and the answer is always, uhhh -pause- no.
It should be simple to determine your sexual orientation right? The problem arises when you have to identify yourself with a lack of something. What is the biggest comeback for people who don’t understand asexuality, “how do you know? Have you tried X? Have you tried Z?” This is mainly why I continue to reflect on my feelings and actions, and why I have not “come out” as an asexual.
I think I am pretty sure I am asexual, I do not think I am ready to spend much energy on defending my sexual orientation. Hey, I am growing and in due time I will. (I am slow, okay, chill out)
Whew! Feels good to let out your thoughts sometimes.
P.S. I have yet to meet another asexual in person. We need to have a national convention to help each other out and build a physical community.
